09.23.03
Dear Internet,Has it really been a nearly a month since Agent Owens was evicted from the Big Brother house? Is this show still on? Does anyone even care anymore? The poor sportsmanship and bad behavior displayed by Jun and Allison has disturbed many loyal Big Brother viewers into turning off first the feeds, then the show. (Or worse, wishing Robert had won. While hardly the People's Champion, this lying misogynist was clearly the lesser of three evils.)
It's a shame that the one BB season lucky enough to get Jack had to end as sullied and spoiled as it did. Just watch, however, as our Agent congratulates the winner tomorrow night. If he is disappointed in the turn of events, he'll never show it.
So what shall happen to FBIGuy.com now?
Why, it's being auctioned off to the highest bidder! Oh of course it's not. I suspect I'll let Agent Owens have the URL should he wish to promote is literary ventures with it. Then again, there's always the chance he would prefer to disassociate himself from this particular endeavor. I'd respect that too. And then I'd auction it off. Oh of course I'm not.
Thank you to everyone for your kind and wonderful e-mails over the last three months. Those of you who wrote looking for Jack? Every single message and good wish will be forwarded to his family. I promise.
BUT wait!
Before the final chapter ends and the curtain closes on our FBI Guy and his adventures with CBS and primetime television, there are some outstanding issues! A couple of case files involving our hero's appearance on a discovery channel special and his literary career remain unsolved.
More importantly, it is my hope that Agent Owens will grace us with an interview once he gets settled in at home. I know I have some questions for him and I imagine you do as well, so send them along! I'll do my best to hound the man into an interview. Well, not hound him exactly, but pester him a little, maybe.
Until next time,
Netbiscuit
08.28.03
AGENT DOWN! WE HAVE AN AGENT DOWN! I REPEAT, WE HAVE AN AGENT DOWN!This is far too catastrophic an event to issue a Code Blue. We need a code red. A really big code red that flashes and has a siren that makes a hooooowah! hoooooowah! sound like you hear in WWII movies. Maybe interspersed with gunfire. And some women wailing in the background. Yes. That would be appropriate. However, I am to devastated by this evening's events to even muster up an appropriate graphic. The Invisible Television Friendship--one between a famous reality TV contestant on a major network television show and an obscure and nutty internet girl has abruptly ended.
How will we go on watching Big Brother without Agent Owen's hilarious "I have no idea items are being removed from the house" schtick, his wacky lack of coordination during competitions, and his riotous "I know who killed JFK" chatter? These are questions that as of yet cannot be answered as we end this day with heavy hearts.
Try to sleep well, gentle Internet reader. This will be a difficult night for us all.
08.26.03
Read the official goodbye to Jack.
08.25.03
Nominations, hack attacks, body paint, PB & J . . . doesn't anyone appreciate our hero anymore?Evidently, not! Ali is stabbing another back--this time trying to persuade people that Jack is "creepy." Jee has his retardo power play going, Erika has given up on the alliance and has jumped ship, and even we here at little old FBIGUY.COM are getting dragged into the fray. My hosting service is unable to protect my site from virus shenanigans. All in all, it's not looking too good for our FBI Guy. Jack's being hack attacked both inside and outside the house. Total drag.
Preparing for the last stand.And so the countdown has officially begun. Ali and Jun's live feed conversations have convinced this viewer that Jee's an entirely ineffective HOH this time around and while he wishes to evict Erica this week, FBI Guy's time is prematurely, at hand. Is the Code Blue light ever off around here anymore?
Sadly, no.
STRATEGY OR SOMETHING MORE INSIDIOUS?
Jack's winded gnome performance and his recent live feed comments about his desire for medical investigation into memory problems leaves viewers stymied. Could this be a serious medical condition or is it merely playing into a greater strategy? Assuring the other HGs that he is neither physically nor mentally capable of winning competitions could be a brilliant move. However, the alternate possibility leaves dozens, nay hundreds of viewers worried about our hero's well being. (Okay, just one, but she's really sensitive, alright? Just lay off or I'll be forced to issue an all-points-bulletin for Jack's missing brain cells.)
Coming soon!
An interview with the Mrs. FBI Guy, more case files, more pictures from the show, and maybe, just maybe, a super secret interview from the Jury House!
Stay tuned!
08.21.03
FBIGUY.COM HACK ATTACKED!
Warning: Do not open any email from fbiguy.com.
On August 12th, FBIGUY.COM was attacked by two unidentified hackers. They were able to send virus infected e-mails using this address by exploiting a security hole. One connected to the internet using Genuity and the other using RoadRunner Southwest, but that is all that is known at this time. Geez . . . where's Agent Owens when you need him? I got some bastard hackers trying to knock out this site--I need some FBI assistance on this problem, pronto!
What the hell, I think I'm just going to go ahead and issue a CODE BLUE. I know Jack isn't up for nomination, but this is just as bad--A SNEAK ATTACK FROM BEHIND! When Agent Owens gets out of that hellhole of a house they've got him stuck in, he's going to be OUTRAGED!
Until further notice, urgent messages may be sent to peacecorn at yahoo dot com.
If FBI Guy knew about our situation,
he would assist in plotting a just revenge.
Week of 08.06.03
FRUIT SUIT FIASCO CONTINUES: INSIDERS SAY "VAST CONSPIRACY."
Last week, Big Brother 4's fruit suit episode merely seemed a cute but transparent attempt to liven up the household. However, new evidence suggests that the silly "strawberry hat" our FBI GUY was required to wear during the food competition may well have been government issue!
An inside source, who I will refer to only as "Deep Throat," recently contacted me with newly declassified photos of Agent Owens during his crime fighting days with the bureau. See them here. Most notable is the shocking photo shown below that clearly indicates an eerie foreshadowing of future days in the Big Brother house.
Some say aliens. Some say government conspiracy. I say if this isn't an X File, than NOTHING IS!
Agent Owens with absurd fruit hat disguise.
Shocking evidence or cheap one-minute photo retouch job? YOU DECIDE!Oh yeah, and don't forget we've still got that code blue thing going, but as of Sunday evening, it appears our hero and his trusty sidekick Erika are onto Evil Ali's plans. Finally.
FBI GUY SPOTTED IN FRUIT SUIT! JESUS GOD!
Attention, Code Blue reissued. We have an Agent in trouble! I repeat, we have an Agent in trouble!
On Friday evening Jack says to Erika, "The bureau can still use me.
They've never gone after a terrorist cell with a strawberry."No, no, no. The trouble is not with the body tights. (ROWR!) Nor is it with the berry hat and the notion of a grown man covered in milk. (Incidentally, not so ROWR.) While the average American might find this cause for alarm, Agent Owens takes all this in stride because he's an excellent agent, of course. A good sport and cute in a hat.
The trouble is the second nomination. This disturbing turn of events, coupled with the rather large consensus among both houseguests and viewers that our hero has thrown the HOH competition, does not bode well for FBI Guy fans.
As of the wee hours on Friday evening, Agent Owens has the notion that the Jee3 are going to go after Alison rather than his own Federally Bureaued self once Nate is evicted next week. Uncertain as to whether he divined this information through the bones of his secret agent skull or if it was an attempt to subconsciously shield his psyche and his conscious self from possible eviction, it doesn't matter. We know it's crap.
Agent Owens is next on the Jee3 list. (Because he's a powerful threat.)
Arnold Shapiro? We'd like our twist now. Thanks ever so much.
Week of 07.30.03
Further Update:
One Official FBI Guy Case File has been solved and two new files have been opened. Also, any talented Special Agent will be able to locate among those pages a top secret location, hidden in this vast hinterland known as the Internet, where other Agents meet and discuss the legendary FBI Guy and his progress on the current mission; code named "Big Brother 4".
See you after Wednesday's eviction!
Update:
Our hero's last hopes of a nominated Justin are dashed with Robert's decision not to use the power of veto. Jun and the three stooges appear to be poised to nominate our FBI Guy along with Nate should one of them win HOH next week. It may prove to be a difficult mission, but based on experience, it is one we know that Jack can handle.
In other news, sources close to Agent Owens have provided the following declassified file for your viewing pleasure.
Stay tuned for future alerts. Sometime in the next 48 hours, two new case files will be opened upon official debriefing of agents in the field.
FBI Guy Survives Nomination!
Though David is gone, the alliance has indeed translated their resolve into victory with Alison as HOH. While he finds the atmosphere in the house juvenile, our FBI Guy is glad to still be there and in the game.
So are we, Jack. So. Are. We.
Jack tells the Diary Room,
"Dana has the sex appeal of a
buzzard's crotch."
[Dana, thank you for being such a great sport.
You have a beautiful smile that we never saw enough of
in the BB house. The minute you hit the Jury house, you shined
like a diamond. We think you're swell.]
Week of 07.23.03
With an agent up for eviction at the Big Brother house, what choice do I have to but to issue a Code Blue Alert? Given the gravity of this event, Jack may well be facing the toughest challenge of his career in the field. Hunting terrorist training camps and the drug lords of Cuba is nothing compared to having to schmooze a houseful of narcissistic 20-something twerps.
UPDATE:
Nate has exercised his Power of Veto and removed Ali from the block. In her place, Dana nominated Dave, the other member of FBI Guy's core alliance. Our hero's position has never been more precarious! New Surveillance and Maneuvers have been added--let's hope they aren't chronicling final days.
Jack tells Nate, Erica, Ali and Dana,
"We have to translate our resolve into victory."
Week of 07.16.03
Special Agent Owens at your service.He even sleeps like he means business.
